I am the worst self-helper in the world. Jack Canfield was the first. He told me in his Success Principles that I could make a billion dollars as easily as I could make a hundred of them. I didn’t want to be greedy so I settled for $100 million. It seemed fair. I was 15, by the time I was 20 it would be in the bag. I was learning how to trade the markets and now I had the secret ingredient – the simple act of making myself believe I already had $100 million.

Then I found Rhonda and her Secret. They were all just yelling about how I needed to have positive thoughts. If you see the castle you can have it. If you can visualize your ideal partner they are already there. A single negative thought and your whole world is over. Toast.

I am not against self-help or positive thinking or anything that makes your life better. I am against things that make your life worse – especially when they parade around as our savior. Life is more pleasant with a positive outlook. However, if you run from negative thoughts then they will ruin you.

The Wall Street Journal recently ran an article titled “The Power of Negative Thinking” – a sign that people are noticing that there are still surprises in their lives after extensive visualization. We are realizing that our negative emotions can provide us with valuable information about our lives and what we’re doing in them.

Wow I’m starting to sound like a downer, huh?

WELL I’M NOT! NOW WAY NO HOW! I saw some nasty lies and funny ideas come out of self help that messed me up. We need to be aware of bad ideas. Bad ideas become bad actions which make for bad lives. Good ideas! Those are the ones I want. The ones that are in reality. Reality is a good place – and we shouldn’t run from it by lying to ourselves. Even if we’re lying positively.

It’s dangerous for me to hate on the Self-Help Industry – Will and I ride dangerously close to the thing. Some people have even told me that I am a self-help “guru” (GURU!? I cried…). There are some key differences, though. My goal isn’t to be needed more – it’s to pass the lesson on and then be unneeded. I don’t assume I know who you should be – I assume you should be exactly who you are. I don’t try to make hard things sound easy. I try to aim at real, permanent, change. I’m not concerned so much with a temporarily feel-good read that will lose any effect after a couple of hours. Self-reliance is the goal. We need tools that we can remember and keep using – not a constant IV drip of Self-Help.

The idol of an ideal crushing some lady by the looks of it (From “The 10 Commandments”) 

1. Creates an ideal. Ideals help give us something to aim at. However, we need to be sure that our ideals are our own. For a long time I was a hardcore Objectivist (Ayn Rand worshipper) and so I assumed ideals. I took somebody’s else ideas of the perfect human as my own. When you do this you’ve already lost. You can only do yourself perfectly – and even that’s impossible. If you chase somebody else’s idea of what you should be you will hit a point that you realize you’ve been robbed of your own life. When I was finding myself an “unhappy Objectivist” I had a crisis of meaning until I realized that my ideals must be my own. The self-help industry will tell you what kind of person is the most happy and “successful” and then tell you exactly how to be that person. They teach you that you can be the best person in the world! That’s awesome! WOO! Except for the insinuation that you are pretty much a zero right now – you aren’t a “successful people” whatever one of those is.

Try this:

-List your goals. For each one answer these questions: Why do I want this? Is this making more happy? Am I making any progress towards it?

-List your shoulds. Make a list of everything you think you should be. Happier? More fit? Cleaner? More successful (make sure it’s defined)? Wealthier? Where did these shoulds come from? “Should” they even be there to torment you? If no, then kill them. If yes, then make a commitment to them – ACT ON THEM.

this happens too much

2. Teaches you to lie to yourself. A common self-help technique is to pretend bad things don’t happen. If they do happen then you brought them into your life with negative thoughts you had earlier. It’s kind of like racking up bad karma for an accident. Like many other mistakes of the self-help movement this started with good ideas: “control your thoughts or your thoughts will control you” and “thoughts are things”. Both of these are true. If you aren’t aware of the thought-creations of your monkey brain then you will surely be a slave to them.

There IS a positive side to just about anything that happens to you. Silver linings save us every time. There’s also suffering, though. Things will happen that suck and you shouldn’t feel scared to say, “This sucks.” Loudly and honestly proclaim the suck of the situation – but then force yourself to see the good. There is good.

A negative mind will lie about how terrible the world is. A negative mind becomes nihilistic very quickly. A negative mind that you try to lie to will only build up until there are noticeable lumps under the rug of thoughts you tried to ignore. Then you start tripping on the lumps. Then it all explodes and you go buy a motorcycle or leave your family or whatever else happens in a midlife crisis. You’ve got to be brave enough to be honest about the thoughts in your head and strong enough to see that you can change the conditions that they come from.

Try this:

-List the most terrible things that have happened to you. Then for each write at least five good things that came out of that experience.

-What are the things that scare you most? Being broke? Unemployed? Made fun of? Friendless? Write each one of them and then write ten ideas to achieve their opposites. If you’re scared of being broke then list ten ways you can make money on the side. If you’re afraid of being alone then list ten ways you can spend time with others.

Make your own – not theirs

3. Ignorant to reality. “It’s as easy to manifest $1 billion as it is to manifest $1” is exciting. If I can just believe that I’m a billionaire, I’ll be one. When I look around me I zero billionaires who didn’t work extremely hard and smart and usually dirty to get their billion bucksIt’s going to be harder to get anywhere you don’t think you can be, yes, but just that belief doesn’t make it happen. If you want to be a billionaire you need to find a way to erect a value-creating organization that provides an absurd amount of value to people. That takes amazing focus and drive.

I’m not promoting a pessimistic version of “reality”. Steve Jobs is famous for his “reality distortion field” (basically something he believed could happen or happened and other people didn’t). Because Jobs stepped outside of what most people consider possible he accomplished -or made them accomplish – what was previously considered impossible. Reality is mostly perception anyway so you can make it what you want. Stretch what you think is possible and expand what you believe is possible. But don’t pretend to believe what you don’t.

It’s easy to create a dream life for yourself and not take any steps towards achieving it. A lot of people create their dream job or ideal situation in life just so they can report it to other people. Once asked about their dream life it quickly becomes apparent that they have zero intention of trying to make it a reality. If it’s not your dream, then don’t chase it. If it is, then you got to move towards it.

Try this:

-Look at your dream. Do you think you can get it? Why? Are you taking action toward it every day? Every week?

-Every day list the things you did. Begin to notice the patterns. Install RescueTime on your computer to force yourself into seeing where your time is going online. Be honest about how you’re spending your life.

This guy yelled at me that I needed him desperately

4. They need to up-sell you. “Gurus” have a vested interest in you needing more and more information from them. They need you to need them. “You might be a little happier and little more successful reading this book, but if you REALLY want to take it to the next level – IF YOU’RE SUPERSERIOUS! – you need to come to my seminar retreat.” And these programs help some people a whole lot. Mostly they just drain already small bank accounts.

I went to a free James Arthur Ray seminar once and I learned everything I needed to about these guys. He gave some good information, carefully buttoning and unbuttoning his coat jacket. Then after some strategic hand motions he began screaming at us. He told us that we were all unsuccessful or we wouldn’t be there. He yelled that we had all the potential in the world but only he could unlock it. To unlock it he needed us to pay him $15,000.00 for his special success retreat. But because he loves us and was a kind ruler he would let us in for $1,500. But if we acted in the next five minutes he would save our souls for just $1,200. He demonstrated the value of this by yelling and crossing numbers off with a red marker. He continued to yell at us for the next 10 minutes until people got tired and left – or signed up. I felt bad for the people signing up. Would he continue to make them feel worthless at the retreat?

A couple months I saw a news piece about a couple of those people signing up dying. From what I remember, James dressed up like some kind of shaman and went in a hot-room tepee and they were doing chants. I think he was playing some kind of god-figure. I wasn’t there, but those people that I watch signed up might have been the ones that died.

Try This:

-Be aware when you’re being sold to. You can still get the information you need but if you realize they’re selling you something then you can be less swayed. Maybe the up-sell is actually worth it. Probably not if they’re being sneaky shits about it though.

Reading about lifting isn’t quite the same as lifting

5. Takes focus away from the work. Because gurus need to up-sell you and because they need you to love them they will try to make everything sound way easier than it its. They will pretend that they can give you a life of no pain or suffering and that after you take their course you will be able to fly to Mars if you wish it. You will have the bank account of a Saudi Sheik.

There is important mental work to do. Meditation, visualization, and list-making are some of the best strategies I know of to create a better mind. There is good science that shows how visualization creates neural connections that make going into a situation similar to the visualized one easier. Anybody who has meditated seriously has experienced the benefits – scientists see them too. These things are beneficial but they aren’t going to manifest a castle for you out of nothing.

A lot of self-helpers think they just need to put more effort into their self-help practice when they should actually be putting more work into their work! Viktor Frankl, the creator of Logotherapy and Holocaust survivor, found that work is one of three major activities that we can derive meaning from in our life.

We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering. – Viktor Frankl

Sometimes we aren’t enjoying our work because we don’t respect it. Get good at your craft and you’ll find that you don’t feel the need for self-helpy exercises. Again, I’m presenting the other side here. Affirmations, visualization, whatever you do that actually helps is awesome. Let’s just not forget the basics – good work for a good life.

Try This:

-Respect your work. Practice diligently to work towards mastery in your craft.

…just different forms

6. “No new ideas under the sun.” There aren’t a whole lot of ideas James Arthur Ray had that Aristotle didn’t. In fact, Aristotle outlines a much better version of virtue in his Nichomachean Ethics. Something about dying in battle – much better than dying in a sweat-room with James yelling at you.

“But we have quantum physics!” Bullocks, quantum physics doesn’t change how you experience life. It’s fascinating and it can give us even more convincing stories about the importance of our mind and the vast possibilities of life but it doesn’t change anything. The laws of nature now are the same they’ve been forever.

Most self-help folks are just rewording other people who did much better work before them. Science can even get in the way when it robs us of our trust in ourselves. Happiness research might tell you that watching Family Guy is, according to statistics, the most happy show to watch. Maybe you’re a South Park guy though, maybe that’s where you find Happiness hiding.

Try This:

-Find at least one study that doesn’t apply to you. Or find two contradicting studies.

-Read an old philosophy book. I love Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self Reliance, Seneca’s Letters From A Stoic, Friedrich Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra, or Krishnamurti’s You Are The World.

do the harder thing – stop circles

7. Tricking your brain into thinking you’ve actually done something. When we tell somebody our plans or goals our brain triggers some chemical release (dopamine, methinks…) that makes us feel good – a little bit like we’ve already accomplished our goal. So it is with reading self-help. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve sat and read self-help, felt like a more successful person because of it, and continued to do nothing about it.

We like to feel like we’re making progress – even when we aren’t. That’s why people fill up their day with busywork. It feels good to be busy doing things but they aren’t usually effective. When we read self-help books we feel like we’re doing something important. And maybe we are – reading is great. It’s when you’re reading about the importance of taking action while still not taking action that you run into trouble.

Try This:

-Notice why you’re reading something? Are you really gaining any useful knowledge from your fifth Lifehacker article?

Don’t look too long!

8. Happiness doesn’t come from asking yourself if you’re happy. Nassim Taleb made the observation, while at a happiness conference, that happiness researchers didn’t look very happy. Happiness is not often found by reading books on “How to Be Happy”. It’s found by maintaining a healthy body and mind and doing things that make you happy.

Happiness is found when you forget to look for it. It slips in while your doing things that naturally please you.

Gurus will say they know how to make you happy but they don’t know you. They know an average of people they gathered statistics about. They know what the average needs to be happy. You’re not an average though and you won’t find happiness in somebody else’s book. You need to write your own in one way or another.

Try This: Stop asking yourself if you’re happy and focus on doing good work, eating healthy, and surrounding yourself with good people. Happiness is the simplest thing in the world if you trust yourself.

_____

 

The self-help industry has helped a bunch of people. It’s important, though, to remember what it’s there for. It’s there to help you get somewhere you’re trying to be or get through something you need to get through. It’s not there to define what your dream in life. It’s not there to replace actual action. And it’s certainly not there to keep you addicted.

Find the good guys, the ones that are honest and generous. And then use what they have to teach.

 

 

Fans of This Also Enjoyed...

Author

Kyle Eschenroeder

Thanks for taking the time to read this! Let me know what you think - the good, the bad, the ugly - in the comments below.

I'm an entrepreneur (more in the StartupBros About Page) in St. Petersburg, FL

  • Self-help makes you feel worse. Yes, it is supposed too. In a good way. That pain helps us to change. Especially since nobody wants to change. Yeah. Let’s be honest here. If given the choice of whether to change and remain constant – even Newton’s Law says – people will remain in their current state. Change is hard and painful. It takes work. So until the pain of not changing over shadows the pain of changing – people WILL NOT CHANGE. See how feeling worse helps us? See how the first step of gutap – feel your feelings – now helps us?

    What you focus on expands. If you only focus on what you feel without helping yourself through it then the depression only just gets worse. Focus on feeling your feelings to do something about it instead. Then you get through it.

    We feel our feelings. Acknowledged what was happening. Then we can feel the emotion powering this limiting belief. If you want to change your feelings, you have to feel your feelings.

    Here is a short process that took me forever to figure out that guarantees change of any limiting belief we had programmed in to us. Sometimes this next step can be very touchy to people. I only mention it because it works.

    The example I like to start with is that forgiveness cures anger. If someone is angry and they forgive them then their anger dissolves away. It is not repressed or denied. It is simply gone. It takes emotion to resolve emotion. This is the basis of gutap. And the best anger management there is around.

    And remember, forgiveness is not trust. Trust must be earned – forgiveness is only to free ourselves from being tied to them.

    False beliefs or negative programming simply has a couple of powerful negative emotions that keep the false concept controlling us. Dissolve them and the false belief is completely diminished.

    So how does it work?

    When someone is angry they naturally direct their feeling of forgiveness into their feeling of anger. The two emotions must connect to be resolved. False beliefs though often have a couple of emotions that have to work together. Complicated but not impossible.

    Gutap – The three steps described:

    1 – Feel the feeling of your limiting belief. If you want to change your feelings you have to feel them. (Everyone already knows this step.)

    2 – Insight: Find what the positive answer is that it actually wants you to know. What does your limited belief want you to know that is positive? What is the good thing it wants for you but trying in a negative way? (A slight shift on the insight people are seeking.)

    3 – Connect the feeling of what it wants you to know and let the feeling of that answer flow into the feeling of your limiting belief to change it. The positive feelings changes it – not you.

    That is as simply as I can put it.

    Gutap by Toby Jensen (just google for more)

  • Jerri says:

    I’ve been a self-help junkie all my adult life (I’m 61 this year) and I’ve come to the rather belated conclusion that if something doesn’t work I should stop doing it! For me, self-help books are no different to booze, drugs or self-harm. They offer a way out of the misery of your reality and the fact that they don’t solve anything can pass you by for decades.
    My main problem in putting their principles into practise is that you are always supposed to ‘feel’ something. ‘Feel like you would if you already had the thing that you want’ is a common exhortation. Well, if I had the thing I wanted I’d feel just the way I do now. Depressed, but with a new thing. Lying to myself about how I feel, or listing all the good things in my life changes nothing. Our parents and grandparents just got on with their lives – lousy as they might have been. Only this present generation seems to imagine that life should be rosy and everyone should be a millionaire and no-one should be unhappy.
    Going forward I intend to chuck the books and get back in touch with reality. Life is hard. It is unpleasant. And no amount of psychological snake oil is going to change that fact.

  • Simon says:

    Great article, needed to read something that convincing to stop coping with my problems by reading self-help books. You’re absolutely right about the book on weight lifting that is not quite the same as actual practice. The funny deal is that we don’t have that much self-help in France and I managed to find myself buying books from the US and ended up understanding it became my new addiction. You’re really making a point with this article. Thanks so much. BTW self-help did help me at some point, until I ended up lying to myself and pursuing goals that weren’t mine. Thanks again guys.

  • M.A. says:

    In 1998 I threw every self help book I’d ever bought into a big plastic bin for a garage sale and stuck a sign on it that said ‘FREE’. Best thing I ever did.

  • Chris says:

    Hi Kyle, i am still looking for a solution to my problem and decided to have a look at what you have to say for yourself thinking i might find what i am looking for. Sadly it;s not there. i have tried and still do nearly eveything you advise us to do.
    I agree with you on one thing and that is self help books are rubbish! trust me, they help no one. i have been reading them since 1978. They all write the same old stuff. Same meat different gravy. If someone turns to a self help book or goes online looking for a life coach they are after one thing. a solution to their problem, but the solution is never there. if someone asks you about wanting a new car or house they expect you to deliver, not offer daft ideas and half baked suggestions. If all you can do is offer daft ideas and half baked suggestions then it means you don’t know what to tell them put it another way, you are in the wrong job. the point of the help out there is to do that help, but we never see it. Another area self help books are keen on is to tell us we are responsible for our own lives. It’s telling me what i already know. How do you know? What makes you think that i am responsible for my life? I will tell you now, my life has got nothing to do with me. what i do, what i think about is not the same as the life i am living. It’s just as logical to say there is a latent force at work that we have yet to understand controlling us. The world is stranger place we live in than what you think my friend.
    Take care Chris

    • Brigitte George says:

      Sounds like you don’t want a solution to what you’re looking for. I’m guessing you’re terribly afraid inside to change and may not even know that. I expect my opinion will have a negative effect on you as well. I hope you are able to be happy.

  • […] At the Pro EFT Center we have a simple solution. If you are feeling overwhelmed we tap on feeling overwhelmed. If you are feeling anxious we tap on feeling anxious. The only important perspective when tapping a painful emotion down is your perspective. Tapping while calling what you are feeling by your name for it is infinitely more effective than trying to pigeon hole yourself into something you have read somewhere. […]

  • Well, my experiences with Self-Helps Books is something that I not dare to say, cause I am a psychotic. But I want to ask, what do you thinks about these guys and their works, are they just fall into the
    “Self-Help Gurus” categories or something more
    + Tony Robbins
    + Stephen Covey
    + Dale Carnegie
    + Napoleon Hill
    + Brendon Burchard
    + Jack Canfield

  • Brigitte George says:

    I like what you say. My opinion on being happy is that you tell yourself you are. You programme yourself to be happy. Doesn’t matter what’s going on.

  • Pearl says:

    Really like this article, everything in moderation.

  • Pearl says:

    Thumbs up! I have read so many self help books and gone to plenty of self help stuff. A lot of it is excellent but there came a point where I got it, grateful for the knowledge but it was time to put into practice what I learned. I can still hear the voices of the motivators in my head. It takes a lot of will power for me not to think I am missing out on some gold nuggets in another book or CD. I came across this article and just want to thank you because there really is a negative side to all this self improvement industry.

  • Shamil says:

    This is pure truth. I have been addicted to self help for last two years, which lead me to unrealistic perspective and expectations.

  • sandra Aghaizu says:

    i love it. good write up . best bit
    “It’s when you’re reading about the importance of taking action while still not taking action that you run into trouble.”

  • Kevin Conklin says:

    Good piece. Here is the bottom line of self-help that some people just don’t get, which I have made my motto: “Go and Do!”

    Improve yourself, yes, but then get out there and work hard. Start a business. Or put in the extra initiative at work.

  • Michael says:

    Wow everything you said is how my thought process in life. False-reality. Man thank you